Thursday, January 16, 2014
So you know those days? The ones that are like; wake up tired, pack lunches cuz i forgot to do last night, make Shaina look all pretty cuz its her 6th(!) birthday party at school today, oh no i'm late, run to work, phew still have time for coffee, set up room, people coming to observe students, have to sound knowledgeable and professional, take kids outside, bring them in, noses wiped, lego negotiations led, goals worked on, sing and teach and play, take kids to bus, check emails, an emergency evaluation to do, test kid and talk to mom and become professional again and OMG i didnt use the bathroom or eat anything all day but OMG party is in 15 minutes and i have to run and get more cupcakes and pick out a present and get it wrapped and will the girls like this book and the minutes are ticking and is this a legal parking spot and good we're here with 3 minutes to spare and where are my quarters and run in, big hugs, sing, dance, eat, take pictures, open present (well received) run out, home, grab baby for my always fun and enjoyable WIC appointment, Shaina wants to come with and review her birthday book, OK so come, strap everyone in and out, sit for 5 minutes, WIC lady 'where is husband's income?' 'he doesnt have any cuz we dont have 2013 tax records yet'. 'Sorry no checks', back in car and 'hey theres still half hour and Meira needs diapers, lets go to CVS'. You know THAT kind of day?
So there I am physically and mentally drained from my nonstop day and runin at WIC, and since I dont want to my outing to be a total waste, I figure may as well take the girls for one last stop for diapers at CVS. As if. When you have CMT and a baby and less than half hour, its never 'just a stop'. I had already strapped her in and out of the car seat twice in the last hour and I figured it would be easier to lift the entire infant seat and throw it in the shopping cart than deal with the straps again. So Thank God for my handicapped license, we park right in front and Shaina gets out of one door and I shlep the whole car seat out and just hobble along with this big 30 lbs of baby and car seat, resting it with every step I take. I'm almost there ready to plop my baby into the cart and double the cart as my walker and leisurely stroll through the store. So we get inside and I scan the entryway and horror starts to take over as I realize: There are no shopping carts. My heart drops. The manager confirms there are none around. I start to panic inside. What do I do? Do I put the seat back in the car and pull out Meira and carry her? Do I let her crawl around? That, combined with more strapping and unstrapping didnt sound appealing. Do I just go home? I'm here already and we need diapers. I text Adiel moaning about how there is no shopping cart and tired and I'm ready to cry. Start making my way toward baby aisle -- maybe I"ll see a cart somewhere? Step by step. Around shelves and people, down the baby aisle. Grabbed the box of diapers. Took a break. Took a deep breath. I have big box of diapers, big girl, big infant seat and big mounds of anxiety of how I am going to make it out. Ready to cry. Shaina is watching my every move and notices when I get tense and upset. Can't fall apart now. I get a text back from Adiel. 'I'm sorry, do you want me to order chinese for dinner? Are you OK?'
And I dont know why but that text somehow caused some sort of brain shift to happen. It was like I won't have to cook dinner and my honey gets it. Everything is really OK. And I was just like 'screw all of this crap. screw shopping carts and all those three letter words like CVS and WIC and CMT'. I am a STRONG and ABLED mother of 3 and I am going to walk out of this store with diapers come hell or high water GOSH DARNIT. And thats what I did. I texted Adiel back 'No, I'm just venting, I am a survivor!' and I somehow managed to find some sort of inner strength, hobble back to the casheir with and infant seat in one hand and a box of diapers in the other and very pleasantly and happily play for everything. I gently told Shaina she couldnt buy the big Hello Kitty of chocolate (does anyone buy that for their valentine?) but a package of M&Ms is ok. I cracked a joke with the manager and managed to sneak two coupons onto the scanner (he only put on one, but I knew it would take two). I lent my CVS card to a stranger who left hers in the car. Loaded the baby, big girl in one shift and grabbed bag of diapers that the manager left right by door in the next shift. We managed to make it home with two minutes to spare as my babysitter was getting ready to leave. I really did feel like a survivor and to celebrate, I allowed Shaina to open the package of M&Ms in the car and we took turns eating them and naming which colors we took. We put the rest away and she made me promise not to sneak any on my way to work, I have to save them for the next time we're both in the car. I came home very tired but feeling very good about myself despite everything that happened.
Looking back, I don't know what came over me but I want to tap into it more often. Believing in myself and cheering myself on instead of falling apart. Yes, I have physical limitations but I also have a lot of physical abilities and - moreso- mental and emotional abilities to push me when things get tough. I'll never be an athlete or dancer, but yes, if I take one step at a time, I can make it through a crowded store carrying a heavy infant seat and a box of diapers. Maybe it was the supportive text, maybe it was having Shaina next to me, maybe it was just realizing sitting on the CVS floor and crying was not going to help me in any way, but I really liked what happened and it felt so much better than throwing myself a pity party.
And btw we absolutely ordered dinner in. But we went for subs instead of Chinese. MMMM