Rest of the day

well i did drive to the cemetary and it was raining. POURING. I was driving through rivers. my cell phone was broken. DH offered to pick up and watch kids so that was a relief not to have them with me. I listened to the funeral and it was good to hear but didnt make me cry. I got to the cemetary and didnt even leave my car because it was pouring. so i sorta spoke to Dad and God and asked for help and to keep looking out for us. It was weird because my mom told me to bring some sort of shears or something because the graveside was totally overgrown with weeds nad plants. But i got there (sans shears) and noticed it was completely clean. STrange.

Got back home. DH had taken kids to library and shopping and i actually had a few extra minutes. He came with kiddies and i told him about the graveyard. he sheepishly mentioned that he was there this morning and gave a gardener there a small tip to do it. I was so touched that he went in the first place without even telling me and took care of it. <3. I felt all mushy and warm and it hit me why I wasnt crying when i heard the funeral tape. As I heard the speeches, including the background noises of a funeral: tissues, sniffles, chairs scuffling, etc, I literally could pitcure myself sitting there. Next to my family in the front row, staring at the coffin. And life was so bleak and hard then. I was single and having a very hard time with guys and dating. Things were a little tough with other family members. I was not sure if or when life would ever get better. And here I am, 8 years later. And yes, its so sad that Daddy's not here. But my life is so much better than it was on that dark day. (BTW, his actual funeral day was beautiful weather-wise, none of this downpour). I'm married to an amazing guy, who despite some disagreements and arguements is really so caring and wonderful as a husband and father. I have two little kids including Dad's namesake. I really think he'd be proud to see what i'm up to and the life i've made for myself.

i spoke to my sister and mom after. And i decided, to prove to myself and my husband i could do it, i'd clean my room. Includign junk in closet and more. And it was grueling. Almost 5 horus of work with little break. And nothing to watch. Thank GOD the Yankees were playing and they were playing an awesome and itneresting 1-run game. When Mariano blew the run in the top of the ninth, i was annoyed but it did give me a bunch of extra innings to clean by! I wonder if i really can clean with NO distractions. I guess but its definitely easier when you are busy. ANyway i'm drained now but my room is GORGEOUS. Clean as whistle, vacuumed, etc.I still need to go through some drawers but man is this progress. Two full loads of laundry were folded and put away and another load started.

so in a better mood now. ready for bed. productive, emotoinal day. thanks for listening.

BTW - for those of you following at home that Yankees and Orioles are STILL tied at 1 in the 14th inning :)

Blah

Feeling a little blah today. Dad's yahrtzeit (death anniversary) is today (last night). Its strange, i know i'm suppposed to feel something. And I do feel strange. But i'm not just flat out sad. more like blah. I feel sadness at other random times. So we had a dinner last night in his memory. My brother always learns a book in Talmud in his memory and we celebrate its completion at the time of my father's yahrtzeit. 10 men need to be there so a couple of random uncles and cousins come and its so nice but it also becomes less intimate. We're not that close to a bunch of them and theres a lot of dead small talk. I feel like I can't really be myself. Especially when one of them, who is a wonderful speaker, gives a whole speech about how wonderful my dad was and all and i'm like 'you weren't even that close?!' ( i think this, dont say it). Next year i want it in my houes. Just my sibs and his sibs. i'll invite extra men when its time to do the actual thing, for deser. and lets all be real and remember and laugh and cry and be vulnerable. Not talk about how delicoius the roast is or how my new house is doing and 'why is this dragging, i have work tomorrow'.

Its also annoying, DH and I finally had an 'evening out' with a babysitter and and i feel like we fought a lot in the car. All about stupidities. I need a new laptop but we dont have money and its the second laptop i broke. i'm not as productive as i am when i have a laptop cuz then i watch things while I work and now I cant. DH doesnt like that i have a hard time working without entertainment. i dont like it either frankly but i dont know i dont think its that awful either. I think if i had more shelves and closet space i'd be neater, he doesn't think so.

I'm so tired of not having money for all the things I want to do. i'm tired of feeling messy and unorganized and irresponsible and blah about things. there are so many things i want to do and am just not getting done. the whole brace thing. not making new appointments for me and my bro because i dont have his insurance. fixing up things in the house and out of the house. printing my freakin' 1000 pics off the computer and putting them in an album. im so not a doer. I wish i was. am i lazy or just not ambitious? can i blame CMT for things? not really. Some CMTers are making videos or running companies. I'm confused about a bunch of things in life and i wish I had more close friends here I can talk with and connect with (not just online). i hate walking aroudn work like its a normal day and not beign able to share or feel that others understands make me feel so alone. I just spoke ot someone at work and feel a little better.

Anyway, this is for you Dear Daddy. I hope you're still there watching over us and can see that we still miss and love you.....I lit a candle last night. Mommy made a CD of the funeral. DH wanted to put it onin the car last night. his car doesnt have a CD player (its that old). im glad. i want to hear it all by myself and react however i want to react without any other adults around. I think i'm going to pick up the kids and drive to the cemetary and listen to it. i hope the kids fall asleep. i want to talk to Daddy and God in English, not pray in Hebrew like I usually do. its been raining on and off all week. i hope it rains. i hope i cry. i could use a good cry.