Friday night

So I have a sort-of-dilemma.

Every Friday night - Saturday night is our Sabbath, Shabbat, Shabbos whatever you want to call it. Its a day of rest and and we basically refrain from all electronic stuff and work and we hang out with family, eat, read, pray and SLEEP! So for those not familiar with what Shabbos entails, imagine a small Thanksgiving meal every Friday night and Saturday afternoon. There's lots to prepare beforehand, including cooking 5-course meals, cleaning the home, bathing everyone, preparing for guests which often come, etc. Its fun and very enjoyable, but yes, hard work!

So here's the dilemma. Lately, or I should say, almost always, come Friday eve, everything is finally ready and I light my candles and just collapse. The whole week of working and taking care of kids coupled with the extra prep work on Friday finally catches up and knowing that i'm finally at my deadline puts me into a very tired-lazy-just-wanna-sit-on-my-couch-with-my-feet-up mood. But I usually dont have much time to relax cuz I still have to take care of kids and set the table up so when my husband comes home from synagogue, all is ready. And basically, the whole meal, I'm somewhat 'blah'. I'll eat and chat and laugh but I'm so not in the mood of serving a big meal. Taking care of the kids and putting them in bed, constantly getting up and down to serve and clear off and standing on my feet to serve things such as soup and chicken feel like major labor to get through. Plus, i'm usually relaxing and surfing at this time of night so it's physically hard all around. But the dilemma is not just how to make this easier. Here it goes:

My wonderful husband has seen that Friday nights are hard for me and it bothers him. He wants me to be energetic and rested and happy and I totally get why. So he's basically taken over all cooking and cleaning the past number of weeks, which is amazing. I barely have to do anything in that department. Great. So whats the issue? The issue is...come Friday night and I'm still tired... even if I didnt do any of the cooking or cleaning. Its not like i have my feet up all Friday, even without cooking/cleaning, I'm still donig my share of getting things ready, bathing the kids - including washing hair, always fun and in general going up and down the stairs more often than usual. Truth is, I think that many people are tired Friday night even if they dont have kids or work full time. But I'm sure my CMT adds to the fatigue. So it frustrates my husband that even with him taking so much of my shoulders, I'm still not alive and energetic. And I dont know what to do about it.

Just as an aside - DH is not into me making CMT excuses. IN general this is actually a very good thing because I don't WANT to be someone who lazes around and does nothing because of a neurolgical disorder. I want to accomplish whatever I can and push myself to the limit. But what is my limit? When I try to explain that I get fatigued easier than many others, he claims I am 'pulling the CMT card'. Might be true. Prob not completely true. I probably could get energized if I was giong to - say - an American Idol show. But even then I tire easily.

Maybe I should relax more on Friday - like sleep instead of surfing when I come home from work. Maybe its a simple soloution like using a better chair at the meal which I can get up and down from easier. Maybe I should drink a coffee right before lighting candles. Or maybe I should just tell him that I might not be energetic no matter what I or he does and he should try to accept that about me.

Thoughts? Advice?

Rest of the day

well i did drive to the cemetary and it was raining. POURING. I was driving through rivers. my cell phone was broken. DH offered to pick up and watch kids so that was a relief not to have them with me. I listened to the funeral and it was good to hear but didnt make me cry. I got to the cemetary and didnt even leave my car because it was pouring. so i sorta spoke to Dad and God and asked for help and to keep looking out for us. It was weird because my mom told me to bring some sort of shears or something because the graveside was totally overgrown with weeds nad plants. But i got there (sans shears) and noticed it was completely clean. STrange.

Got back home. DH had taken kids to library and shopping and i actually had a few extra minutes. He came with kiddies and i told him about the graveyard. he sheepishly mentioned that he was there this morning and gave a gardener there a small tip to do it. I was so touched that he went in the first place without even telling me and took care of it. <3. I felt all mushy and warm and it hit me why I wasnt crying when i heard the funeral tape. As I heard the speeches, including the background noises of a funeral: tissues, sniffles, chairs scuffling, etc, I literally could pitcure myself sitting there. Next to my family in the front row, staring at the coffin. And life was so bleak and hard then. I was single and having a very hard time with guys and dating. Things were a little tough with other family members. I was not sure if or when life would ever get better. And here I am, 8 years later. And yes, its so sad that Daddy's not here. But my life is so much better than it was on that dark day. (BTW, his actual funeral day was beautiful weather-wise, none of this downpour). I'm married to an amazing guy, who despite some disagreements and arguements is really so caring and wonderful as a husband and father. I have two little kids including Dad's namesake. I really think he'd be proud to see what i'm up to and the life i've made for myself.

i spoke to my sister and mom after. And i decided, to prove to myself and my husband i could do it, i'd clean my room. Includign junk in closet and more. And it was grueling. Almost 5 horus of work with little break. And nothing to watch. Thank GOD the Yankees were playing and they were playing an awesome and itneresting 1-run game. When Mariano blew the run in the top of the ninth, i was annoyed but it did give me a bunch of extra innings to clean by! I wonder if i really can clean with NO distractions. I guess but its definitely easier when you are busy. ANyway i'm drained now but my room is GORGEOUS. Clean as whistle, vacuumed, etc.I still need to go through some drawers but man is this progress. Two full loads of laundry were folded and put away and another load started.

so in a better mood now. ready for bed. productive, emotoinal day. thanks for listening.

BTW - for those of you following at home that Yankees and Orioles are STILL tied at 1 in the 14th inning :)