Sunday, July 24, 2011

Friday night

So I have a sort-of-dilemma.

Every Friday night - Saturday night is our Sabbath, Shabbat, Shabbos whatever you want to call it. Its a day of rest and and we basically refrain from all electronic stuff and work and we hang out with family, eat, read, pray and SLEEP! So for those not familiar with what Shabbos entails, imagine a small Thanksgiving meal every Friday night and Saturday afternoon. There's lots to prepare beforehand, including cooking 5-course meals, cleaning the home, bathing everyone, preparing for guests which often come, etc. Its fun and very enjoyable, but yes, hard work!

So here's the dilemma. Lately, or I should say, almost always, come Friday eve, everything is finally ready and I light my candles and just collapse. The whole week of working and taking care of kids coupled with the extra prep work on Friday finally catches up and knowing that i'm finally at my deadline puts me into a very tired-lazy-just-wanna-sit-on-my-couch-with-my-feet-up mood. But I usually dont have much time to relax cuz I still have to take care of kids and set the table up so when my husband comes home from synagogue, all is ready. And basically, the whole meal, I'm somewhat 'blah'. I'll eat and chat and laugh but I'm so not in the mood of serving a big meal. Taking care of the kids and putting them in bed, constantly getting up and down to serve and clear off and standing on my feet to serve things such as soup and chicken feel like major labor to get through. Plus, i'm usually relaxing and surfing at this time of night so it's physically hard all around. But the dilemma is not just how to make this easier. Here it goes:

My wonderful husband has seen that Friday nights are hard for me and it bothers him. He wants me to be energetic and rested and happy and I totally get why. So he's basically taken over all cooking and cleaning the past number of weeks, which is amazing. I barely have to do anything in that department. Great. So whats the issue? The issue is...come Friday night and I'm still tired... even if I didnt do any of the cooking or cleaning. Its not like i have my feet up all Friday, even without cooking/cleaning, I'm still donig my share of getting things ready, bathing the kids - including washing hair, always fun and in general going up and down the stairs more often than usual. Truth is, I think that many people are tired Friday night even if they dont have kids or work full time. But I'm sure my CMT adds to the fatigue. So it frustrates my husband that even with him taking so much of my shoulders, I'm still not alive and energetic. And I dont know what to do about it.

Just as an aside - DH is not into me making CMT excuses. IN general this is actually a very good thing because I don't WANT to be someone who lazes around and does nothing because of a neurolgical disorder. I want to accomplish whatever I can and push myself to the limit. But what is my limit? When I try to explain that I get fatigued easier than many others, he claims I am 'pulling the CMT card'. Might be true. Prob not completely true. I probably could get energized if I was giong to - say - an American Idol show. But even then I tire easily.

Maybe I should relax more on Friday - like sleep instead of surfing when I come home from work. Maybe its a simple soloution like using a better chair at the meal which I can get up and down from easier. Maybe I should drink a coffee right before lighting candles. Or maybe I should just tell him that I might not be energetic no matter what I or he does and he should try to accept that about me.

Thoughts? Advice?

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Its been a while...

Things have been ridiculously busy since June.

I'm a special ed preschool teacher so June means graduation, quarterlies, reports, end of year projects, etc. i also make the slideshow for the graduation (of 60+ kids). The first two years i worked a guy came and got paid for doing it. I turned to my boss after the second year and said 'I can do this'. So they gave me the job, and without tooting my horn, I did a better job for less money.

OK, Esther, we get why June was busy. But now it's mid-July. whats your excuse? So my director was leaving after 18 years and nothing was being done. A bunch of us teachers came together and decided to Just. Do. It. And i offered to make a video. Not the easy, nerdy, 'pics with music' slideshow but a full movie with interviews, pics, video clips, words, sound effects, etc. And i had never done this before. But DH got me a new gorgeous computer and the Cyberlink Director software and off I went. There were a lot of politics with what i could and couldnt' include and I spent hours and hours on it. But come the night of the dinner, it came out stunning. Everyone was crying. I ended the video with her favorite song. I stuck in kids singing along with a backround song. It was gorgeous. I wish I could upload it.

I love being able to do amazing things. No one else at work would have even offered this or had the creativity, willpower, brains or energy to video tape people, put everything together and edit it the way I could. I love the fact that I did something awesome despite my CMT (and sitting with my hand on the mouse can hurt after a while!). So thats done and i'm now recovering and slowly getting back to life.

In other CMT news, I love love love my handicapped licence. Its changing how I feel about shopping in big places. I did get my first 'why are you in a handicapped spot'. Not because they didnt believe me but because i hadnt hung the little sign up yet. It was a little embarrassing to have to answer to her that 'yes, I am handicappaed' and i felt a need to walk even clumsier when I lfet but it was fine. i dealt and moved on.

Also, awesome Bernadette has put together another trailer for her upcoming video. she asked people to send in videos of themselves but I already was in it so I dont think its necessary. A lot of people are posting stuff on the wall and spreading awareness, and one CMT friend encouraged me to do the same.

I wish I could. I want to. I want to shout it from the rooftops and let the world know that yes, I do have something a little crappy and somewhat limiting but it doesnt take away from who I am. Let people know why I'm sometimes tired and walk a little funny.

But I would get pity and I would get strange eyebrows raised and my sister would kill me because it puts a stigma on our family. Is it true that the more open you are about things, the less scary it is? I dont know. I dont know what to do. :(