Sigh

Thats a blissful, content, life is amazing sigh.

As humans, we have a tendency to live life waiting. For the next vacation. Party. Event. Holiday. We wait for the next stage of life as that has to be somewhat easier, we wait for the kids to finally be in bed because we need some me time. And its crazy. Cuz life can really just fly by and next thing you know you turn around and your some old lonely woman who lived life waiting. Or find out you are dying in another week. I know i'm being all philosophical and waxing poetry and I happen to be incredibly sappy because I just watched My Sister's Keeper with DH. So dont mind me.

But I'm trying to just take it all in and enjoy each day as much as I can. I know as a kid i didn't feel content. There were lots of fun and good times but there was also a lot of confusion and self-doubt. I never really liked school and had various issues with friends and other fun politics. I spent most of High School wondering why i didn't fit in and why everyone else seemed to 'get it' and what was wrong with me. Camp was great and spending time with friends but there was a lot of just blah time.

This past weekend was near perfect. No, not near. Perfect. We had lots of guests for the meal who all really like us. We went, as a family, to Lowe's. We gardened together, even little S helping (Y didnt really but he ran around giggling). We had an awesome BBQ today with lots of family and friends. The sprinklers were on. And I just took it all in and soaked up the good feelings. Who cares if my feet turn a little or whatever. I have a great house, wonderful family, and a backyard that is all mine. I love me. I'm finally starting to like my neighborhood and with each passing day, I'm realizing that house and yard life really kicks apartment living. Its amazing to me that I can be so full of good feelings on a regular night, in my own home and backyard. Not away on some Island escaping from my life. What can be better than just enjoying life? I feel almost like i'm in a movie and the big blow is about to happen. I hope not!!!

Anyway, just need to thank God for all the good and teh fact that we are all healthy and live in an awesome country and have all these blessings.

SOmeone bump up this post when I have a crappy day, k?

Rest of the day

well i did drive to the cemetary and it was raining. POURING. I was driving through rivers. my cell phone was broken. DH offered to pick up and watch kids so that was a relief not to have them with me. I listened to the funeral and it was good to hear but didnt make me cry. I got to the cemetary and didnt even leave my car because it was pouring. so i sorta spoke to Dad and God and asked for help and to keep looking out for us. It was weird because my mom told me to bring some sort of shears or something because the graveside was totally overgrown with weeds nad plants. But i got there (sans shears) and noticed it was completely clean. STrange.

Got back home. DH had taken kids to library and shopping and i actually had a few extra minutes. He came with kiddies and i told him about the graveyard. he sheepishly mentioned that he was there this morning and gave a gardener there a small tip to do it. I was so touched that he went in the first place without even telling me and took care of it. <3. I felt all mushy and warm and it hit me why I wasnt crying when i heard the funeral tape. As I heard the speeches, including the background noises of a funeral: tissues, sniffles, chairs scuffling, etc, I literally could pitcure myself sitting there. Next to my family in the front row, staring at the coffin. And life was so bleak and hard then. I was single and having a very hard time with guys and dating. Things were a little tough with other family members. I was not sure if or when life would ever get better. And here I am, 8 years later. And yes, its so sad that Daddy's not here. But my life is so much better than it was on that dark day. (BTW, his actual funeral day was beautiful weather-wise, none of this downpour). I'm married to an amazing guy, who despite some disagreements and arguements is really so caring and wonderful as a husband and father. I have two little kids including Dad's namesake. I really think he'd be proud to see what i'm up to and the life i've made for myself.

i spoke to my sister and mom after. And i decided, to prove to myself and my husband i could do it, i'd clean my room. Includign junk in closet and more. And it was grueling. Almost 5 horus of work with little break. And nothing to watch. Thank GOD the Yankees were playing and they were playing an awesome and itneresting 1-run game. When Mariano blew the run in the top of the ninth, i was annoyed but it did give me a bunch of extra innings to clean by! I wonder if i really can clean with NO distractions. I guess but its definitely easier when you are busy. ANyway i'm drained now but my room is GORGEOUS. Clean as whistle, vacuumed, etc.I still need to go through some drawers but man is this progress. Two full loads of laundry were folded and put away and another load started.

so in a better mood now. ready for bed. productive, emotoinal day. thanks for listening.

BTW - for those of you following at home that Yankees and Orioles are STILL tied at 1 in the 14th inning :)

Blah

Feeling a little blah today. Dad's yahrtzeit (death anniversary) is today (last night). Its strange, i know i'm suppposed to feel something. And I do feel strange. But i'm not just flat out sad. more like blah. I feel sadness at other random times. So we had a dinner last night in his memory. My brother always learns a book in Talmud in his memory and we celebrate its completion at the time of my father's yahrtzeit. 10 men need to be there so a couple of random uncles and cousins come and its so nice but it also becomes less intimate. We're not that close to a bunch of them and theres a lot of dead small talk. I feel like I can't really be myself. Especially when one of them, who is a wonderful speaker, gives a whole speech about how wonderful my dad was and all and i'm like 'you weren't even that close?!' ( i think this, dont say it). Next year i want it in my houes. Just my sibs and his sibs. i'll invite extra men when its time to do the actual thing, for deser. and lets all be real and remember and laugh and cry and be vulnerable. Not talk about how delicoius the roast is or how my new house is doing and 'why is this dragging, i have work tomorrow'.

Its also annoying, DH and I finally had an 'evening out' with a babysitter and and i feel like we fought a lot in the car. All about stupidities. I need a new laptop but we dont have money and its the second laptop i broke. i'm not as productive as i am when i have a laptop cuz then i watch things while I work and now I cant. DH doesnt like that i have a hard time working without entertainment. i dont like it either frankly but i dont know i dont think its that awful either. I think if i had more shelves and closet space i'd be neater, he doesn't think so.

I'm so tired of not having money for all the things I want to do. i'm tired of feeling messy and unorganized and irresponsible and blah about things. there are so many things i want to do and am just not getting done. the whole brace thing. not making new appointments for me and my bro because i dont have his insurance. fixing up things in the house and out of the house. printing my freakin' 1000 pics off the computer and putting them in an album. im so not a doer. I wish i was. am i lazy or just not ambitious? can i blame CMT for things? not really. Some CMTers are making videos or running companies. I'm confused about a bunch of things in life and i wish I had more close friends here I can talk with and connect with (not just online). i hate walking aroudn work like its a normal day and not beign able to share or feel that others understands make me feel so alone. I just spoke ot someone at work and feel a little better.

Anyway, this is for you Dear Daddy. I hope you're still there watching over us and can see that we still miss and love you.....I lit a candle last night. Mommy made a CD of the funeral. DH wanted to put it onin the car last night. his car doesnt have a CD player (its that old). im glad. i want to hear it all by myself and react however i want to react without any other adults around. I think i'm going to pick up the kids and drive to the cemetary and listen to it. i hope the kids fall asleep. i want to talk to Daddy and God in English, not pray in Hebrew like I usually do. its been raining on and off all week. i hope it rains. i hope i cry. i could use a good cry.

On Kids, Part II

So again i love my babies :). And for Mothers Day, my husband did a ridiculous thing for me. He, completely on his own, bought the kids clothing, took them to a photo shoot and put together a stunning collage for me. Completely awesome and shocking and i dont know what i'm going to do for fathers day!

I don't yet know if my kids have CMT. I'm going to assume they have and if I find out differently be pleasantly surprised. Neither is very graceful and both are prone to falling (sound familiar) but neither is terribly awkward or very late walker. S is getting PT and I'm getting Y evaluated too....he started everythnig on time but S's PT feels he could use it as he does fall and is somewhat clumsy. I'm hoping for the best but know i can give them an awesome life either way.

So thinking more about kids.....i came from a family of 4 and so did DH. I am very close to my sibs and actually always wish i had more siblings. Most people in our community have 4 or more kids, some have 6, 7 or even more. Not everyone is very big on birth control and many feel havinga large family is important. I always thoughts I'd have 5 kids. TO me thats a nice number; you have at least one of each (in my perfect world) and everyone fits in a regular minivan :). My sister has 3 girls and 2 boys and its lovely.

Anyway as I mentioned last time I was thrilled with my girl and my boy being born. and honestly, life is really good right now. i dont feel the need to make my family bigger at this point and wonder if i ever will. i mean granted, my kids are still really young, but most people in my community who have had kids Y's age are already on to the next one. 2-3 years was the perfect age gap in my book -- before my kids are born. Now, i'm thinking maybe maybe when Y is 4, s will be 5 and MAYBE i'll be ready. And my kids will be old enough to help me :). but it all remains to be seen. as i said, life is very good right now. i feel like my family is somewhat complete. Money is somewhat tight. And life is so exhasuting I cant imagine taking care of a newborn on top of e/t else.

Little things about CMT that makes mommying little ones that much more challenging:

• Running after them is hard! Especially up and down stairs, carrying, in and out of car seats, how about CARRYING up teh stairs!! S knows to ask me if 'you are very strong or only a little strong' because i usually can't carry her too far but her daddy can (and carry Y at the same time)
• energy level. i think this is one of the hardest parts of CMT. I get drained easily. which means i dont always have energy for the kids. especially after a full day of work. i relax on the couch a lot. but i also think i give them my all often and manage to get out with them and push myself as much as possible.
• getting them dressed. tough! Espeically snaps and buttons - help! and with little guys wriggling away! i try to get things sans buttons when possible or just pin them down, focus and hope for the best.
• dumb things like child safety locks and opening things are hard for me too :).

i didnt even realize how hard parenting would be before i jumped into it. i'm kinda glad i didnt think about it and just did it. i have never been so happy and felt so fulfilled in my life, exhuaxted as i may be.

so who knows what the future will hold. for now, life is great. i have to stop compraing myself to everyone else and do what works for us as individuals and a family.

oh and here's the collage DH made:

On Kids, Part I

I have two adorable kids. S is 3 and sing and chatters all day long. Y is 2 and follows his big sister around all day. They are blessings to myself and my husband and we try not to take them for granted. They are mischeiveious, adorable, fun, lovable and the absolute lights of my lives. They are also challenging and completely draining at times. Many a time actually. And while I know that some of it has to do with CMT, from what i understand, most moms with two little ones who also work full time find running after their kids challenging. In a way its absolutely crazy that i had them together (they are 14 months apart). But its also wonderful for all of us.

Just btw - I never thought about not having children. For me, I knew I wanted to be a mom and I never once thought that CMT is bad enough to not have a child who may inherit it. I understand not everyone feels like this but for me, it was never even a consideration not have children despite CMT. Anyway, onward. Or I should say, backward:

I had S on a wintery Saturday morning in January 2008. And while I found being a new mom hard I didnt find it overwhelming. Especially when i was off from work. I got to rest a lot and didnt do much more than nurse, change diapers and hold her. I still got to surf a lot, watch my shows, hang out with DH, etc, I just couldnt run around as much but that as OK with me. Although I was on birth control pills I hated taking them and never remembered the right times. Plus I knew I wanted a boy sometime soon to complete our family and name after my dad. Being that I was nursing full time and it took almost a year to get pregnant with S i kinda gambled a bit and told DH i'm not taking the pills anymore. a couple of months later there was a fun surprise accompanied with nauseau, swelling and general morning siockness. I was pregnant. And I had a tiny infant. Oh god what did we do. At least it takes 9 months for that thing to grow inside you, right?

Fast forward to March 2009. The Drs delivered a beautiful baby boy and I started crying. A girl and a boy how absolutely amazing. How shocking for me and not even my type (i thought id have to have 4 girls before a boy popped in. How scary. S was a chunky baby who was not yet walking and I have an infant to add to the mix. How were we going to manage?

(By the way I just wanted to stick in that unlike some other moms with CMT i never had issues with pregnancies or childbirth. I loved being pregnant --made me feel like there was a reason to walk funny! And my birhts were quick and natural, one with an epidrual and one without).

So that year I basically said to myself 'this is survival year'. And thats what we did. Before we were sending S out to a sitter, this time we hired a great full time sitter at home. she also helped with some housework. I even took her to the city when i spent some time there. She was a salaried employee, paid weekly whether i gave her off or not. On my days off, id take her with us to go to the mall or shopping or to the park or whatever. Or id meet DH for lunch like a rich lady. I was very spoiled though I definitely needed it. in the afternoon, I came home to a tidied house with no dishes in the sink and was able to nap while they were still napping. At that point we were living in a basement apartment down the driveway (so no steps) and my landlady was amazing. They often took S to play with so i could relax or focus on Y. DH was a huge help. I also crashed at my sister almost every Sunday when DH had work. My sister has three girls ranging from 6-10 who are huge helps and love my kids. Whenever i go anywhere with them i barely even have to take the kids out of the car. They were lifesavers and i'd take one or two with me whenever i'd go anywhere.

Those first 18 months were so challenging. They were somewhat of a haze at times. THey also flew by. and they were also the best months of my life at that point. SInce my daughter was born, life has only gotten better and more fulfilling for me. Even if its draining. In August we moved into our new home. There were stairs (although only 4 to get inside which was big for me). As fall came along, we made a financial and social decision that my daughter who was almost 3 was ready for playgroup. We couldn't find someone to share my sitter with and she was more expensive than we could afford so I became a big girl, took a deep breath and let her go. And this past year included me picking the kids up every day (including up and down stairs and in and out of car seats, so fun). And doing all the chores my sitter used to do. And amazingly enough, i'm surviving. In fact, more often than not i'm thriving. THe winter was a little tough. But now S can open the door herself, climb in her carseat and buckle her top. Y can climb in himself at least. Thats huge for me. I found the whole car seat thing so hard, I almost banged their heads so often while putting them in.

So I feel like we're getting to a good and easier place, slowly. And as hard as the beginning was, my kids are the very best of friends now. We dont need playdates because they have each other. And they keep each other entertained (although its more S thats ordering Y around, but still).

I want to write more on the challenges of parenting small children / babies and thoughts for the future but thats for next time.