Monday, May 30, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Feeling a little blah today. Dad's yahrtzeit (death anniversary) is today (last night). Its strange, i know i'm suppposed to feel something. And I do feel strange. But i'm not just flat out sad. more like blah. I feel sadness at other random times. So we had a dinner last night in his memory. My brother always learns a book in Talmud in his memory and we celebrate its completion at the time of my father's yahrtzeit. 10 men need to be there so a couple of random uncles and cousins come and its so nice but it also becomes less intimate. We're not that close to a bunch of them and theres a lot of dead small talk. I feel like I can't really be myself. Especially when one of them, who is a wonderful speaker, gives a whole speech about how wonderful my dad was and all and i'm like 'you weren't even that close?!' ( i think this, dont say it). Next year i want it in my houes. Just my sibs and his sibs. i'll invite extra men when its time to do the actual thing, for deser. and lets all be real and remember and laugh and cry and be vulnerable. Not talk about how delicoius the roast is or how my new house is doing and 'why is this dragging, i have work tomorrow'.
Its also annoying, DH and I finally had an 'evening out' with a babysitter and and i feel like we fought a lot in the car. All about stupidities. I need a new laptop but we dont have money and its the second laptop i broke. i'm not as productive as i am when i have a laptop cuz then i watch things while I work and now I cant. DH doesnt like that i have a hard time working without entertainment. i dont like it either frankly but i dont know i dont think its that awful either. I think if i had more shelves and closet space i'd be neater, he doesn't think so.
I'm so tired of not having money for all the things I want to do. i'm tired of feeling messy and unorganized and irresponsible and blah about things. there are so many things i want to do and am just not getting done. the whole brace thing. not making new appointments for me and my bro because i dont have his insurance. fixing up things in the house and out of the house. printing my freakin' 1000 pics off the computer and putting them in an album. im so not a doer. I wish i was. am i lazy or just not ambitious? can i blame CMT for things? not really. Some CMTers are making videos or running companies. I'm confused about a bunch of things in life and i wish I had more close friends here I can talk with and connect with (not just online). i hate walking aroudn work like its a normal day and not beign able to share or feel that others understands make me feel so alone. I just spoke ot someone at work and feel a little better.Anyway, this is for you Dear Daddy. I hope you're still there watching over us and can see that we still miss and love you.....I lit a candle last night. Mommy made a CD of the funeral. DH wanted to put it onin the car last night. his car doesnt have a CD player (its that old). im glad. i want to hear it all by myself and react however i want to react without any other adults around. I think i'm going to pick up the kids and drive to the cemetary and listen to it. i hope the kids fall asleep. i want to talk to Daddy and God in English, not pray in Hebrew like I usually do. its been raining on and off all week. i hope it rains. i hope i cry. i could use a good cry.
Monday, May 16, 2011
- Running after them is hard! Especially up and down stairs, carrying, in and out of car seats, how about CARRYING up teh stairs!! S knows to ask me if 'you are very strong or only a little strong' because i usually can't carry her too far but her daddy can (and carry Y at the same time)
- energy level. i think this is one of the hardest parts of CMT. I get drained easily. which means i dont always have energy for the kids. especially after a full day of work. i relax on the couch a lot. but i also think i give them my all often and manage to get out with them and push myself as much as possible.
- getting them dressed. tough! Espeically snaps and buttons - help! and with little guys wriggling away! i try to get things sans buttons when possible or just pin them down, focus and hope for the best.
- dumb things like child safety locks and opening things are hard for me too :).
Saturday, May 7, 2011
So I feel like we're getting to a good and easier place, slowly. And as hard as the beginning was, my kids are the very best of friends now. We dont need playdates because they have each other. And they keep each other entertained (although its more S thats ordering Y around, but still).