Blah

Feeling a little blah today. Dad's yahrtzeit (death anniversary) is today (last night). Its strange, i know i'm suppposed to feel something. And I do feel strange. But i'm not just flat out sad. more like blah. I feel sadness at other random times. So we had a dinner last night in his memory. My brother always learns a book in Talmud in his memory and we celebrate its completion at the time of my father's yahrtzeit. 10 men need to be there so a couple of random uncles and cousins come and its so nice but it also becomes less intimate. We're not that close to a bunch of them and theres a lot of dead small talk. I feel like I can't really be myself. Especially when one of them, who is a wonderful speaker, gives a whole speech about how wonderful my dad was and all and i'm like 'you weren't even that close?!' ( i think this, dont say it). Next year i want it in my houes. Just my sibs and his sibs. i'll invite extra men when its time to do the actual thing, for deser. and lets all be real and remember and laugh and cry and be vulnerable. Not talk about how delicoius the roast is or how my new house is doing and 'why is this dragging, i have work tomorrow'.

Its also annoying, DH and I finally had an 'evening out' with a babysitter and and i feel like we fought a lot in the car. All about stupidities. I need a new laptop but we dont have money and its the second laptop i broke. i'm not as productive as i am when i have a laptop cuz then i watch things while I work and now I cant. DH doesnt like that i have a hard time working without entertainment. i dont like it either frankly but i dont know i dont think its that awful either. I think if i had more shelves and closet space i'd be neater, he doesn't think so.

I'm so tired of not having money for all the things I want to do. i'm tired of feeling messy and unorganized and irresponsible and blah about things. there are so many things i want to do and am just not getting done. the whole brace thing. not making new appointments for me and my bro because i dont have his insurance. fixing up things in the house and out of the house. printing my freakin' 1000 pics off the computer and putting them in an album. im so not a doer. I wish i was. am i lazy or just not ambitious? can i blame CMT for things? not really. Some CMTers are making videos or running companies. I'm confused about a bunch of things in life and i wish I had more close friends here I can talk with and connect with (not just online). i hate walking aroudn work like its a normal day and not beign able to share or feel that others understands make me feel so alone. I just spoke ot someone at work and feel a little better.

Anyway, this is for you Dear Daddy. I hope you're still there watching over us and can see that we still miss and love you.....I lit a candle last night. Mommy made a CD of the funeral. DH wanted to put it onin the car last night. his car doesnt have a CD player (its that old). im glad. i want to hear it all by myself and react however i want to react without any other adults around. I think i'm going to pick up the kids and drive to the cemetary and listen to it. i hope the kids fall asleep. i want to talk to Daddy and God in English, not pray in Hebrew like I usually do. its been raining on and off all week. i hope it rains. i hope i cry. i could use a good cry.